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Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a satisfying life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It irritates my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Presenting and Questioning

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to speaking to others or making inquiries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still value life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to reduce the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that therapy might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A therapist might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become unhelpful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to consider and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This journey will take time, but admitting there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.